The Single Girl’s Worst Enemy: Her Gay Best Friend

The title might be harsh, but from personal experience and from observing many unsuspected girls I find it quite true. Does this apply to every woman who has a gay guy friend? Probably not, however I have seen enough examples of the behavior stemming from this kind of relationships to want write about it. I'm coming from the point of view that if you are a single straight woman, you mostly likely want to have a romantic relationship with a man (whether it is a full blown relationship or casual sex). I don't claim to be a psychologist this post is just stuff I've been thinking about lately.

The Background: Here’s some personal disclosure, from tenth grade on my best friend was a guy who happened to be gay. I didn’t find out about him liking guys until two years into our friendship. Even then we talked about how his “gay identity” wasn’t the most important aspect of his personality. He wasn’t Gay Harrison (name has been changed), he was just Harrison who happened to be gay. However, as time went on his gay lifestyle became a more central part of who he was. I didn’t mind (at first), sure it took some time to adjust to thinking of Harrison as gay, but it was fun having a hot guy to go out with and have all the fun of a straight guy without worrying about the sexual consequences. Harrison was basically The Guy in my life; suddenly I found myself knowing and spending time with a lot more gay guys then ever before.
It took Harrison leaving the country for me to realize how dependent I was on him. And although he brought a lot of positive things to my life there was definitely negative aspects that I chose to ignore.

Some Bad Side Effects of Being Single and Having a Gay Best Friend

Girls feel uncomfortable with how they look, especially when it comes to attracting men.
Most women feel uncomfortable with their bodies. It takes women years into their adulthood to become comfortable with how they look. Even then it is not a sure thing. Being with a gay guy removes almost all the anxiety about “what you look like.” He loves you for the “real you.” He sees the real inner beauty, you know the one that doesn’t need to go to the gym and wear make-up once in a while. Basically you can be as slovenly as you want and still have a male fawning over you. It’s every high-maintenance girl’s fantasy.
Why would you want to look for a (straight) guy when there is a guy to go out with, laugh, and generally spend time already? You wouldn't

Gay men create false standards of what your (straight) boyfriends should be.
Girls feel uncomfortable with the opposite sex. The gay best friend becomes the central male in your life. Sure you don’t get to sleep with him, but at least you get to sing Madonna tunes together.
For girls, there is a certain cool factor being friends with guys. Unfortunately, being friends with gay guys does not count. Gay men who hang out with women are not exactly manly. My best friend wasn’t effeminate but he was definitely in touch with his sensitive side. Girls who hang out mostly with gay men start to have the same expectations of straight men from interacting with the gays. When I started dating straight men I couldn’t understand why I was so disappointed (besides the fact that I dated horrible losers) with their attitudes and hobbies. They weren’t the gay men I was used to being around; it took time to adjust that straight men weren’t into talking about their feelings that much.
Gay guys give you false expectations of what it is like to date a straight guy. The guy you’re dating won’t love doing the same things your gay best friend does. Sure you can try to find a straight guy who is similar to the gay guy, but guess what he’s probably gay too. This caveat was pretty hard for me to adjust to. I really thought the guys I dated would want to go to the same places I went to with Harrison. Not so.

Sex matters.
Let’s face it at some point the straight girls will start having a crush on her gay friend. Look it might be a full blown crush or it might a tiny one you think off when you are really, really horny/lonely. But there are definitely stronger feelings than your average friendship. Even though I never had a full blown crush on Harrison, I felt a much “deeper” connection with him than any other friendship. Mostly because he was male and I was female.

The feelings of attraction only fuel the feelings of rejection. The girl is constantly surrounding herself with men who she is (potentially) attracted to, but who are most definitely not attracted to her. No matter how pretty, sexy, smart, or funny you are, HE IS NOT GOING TO FUCK YOU. Yes, you probably cuddled and watched porn together – guess what? It doesn’t count! The sooner the girl acknowledges this, the sooner she can start a healthy dating pattern. The same thing that attracts you to him (your looks have no consequences) is the same thing that repels as well.

Undercurrent homophobia.
Even though most girls with gay best friends proclaim how much they love their gay best friend, there is definitely unexplored rage there. Sure it’s nice to wave the rainbow flag once in a while or slap high fives when you found out the homosexual couple you’re talking to is married in Massachusetts, but it sure sucks to be labeled the “fag hag.”

Most women want to have partners. Sure there is a lot of pleasure to be gained from being single, but most women have sex drives they like to, um, explore. The fact that one of the most important guys is not having sex with you might bring about a bit of resentment. Being friends with a gay guy can unconsciously make women ask themselves, “What wrong with me that his not attracted to me?” The fact that he can’t be attracted to you is besides the point, this is the unconscious we are talking about.

I just want to put another disclaimer at the end.

I'm not trying to discourage women from being friends with gay men. I'm still friends with Harrison. It's just that I think a lot of girls get carried away with how much the just love their gay best friend and don't see the negative side effects.