Reflections

Coming to Israel was probably one of the best things i have done in a long time. Although, i miss my family and friends, it was really important for me to leave my daily routine and see the "bigger" picture. I have made really great friends here and learned quite a lot about Israel, people in general, and myself. One of the most important things that i come to understand is healthy loneliness. I always thought that i can handle being alone quite well - but i think the isolation i experienced this Winter/Spring - was damaging for me. Only here did i feel the true pleasure of being unattached of being truly free and not feeling unhappy about it. The other night i took the copy of Bulgakov's Master and Margaritta (in Russian), the Nomad Jukebox, a few cigs, a lighter and went to sit on an edge of a nearby ravine. It was close to midnight, i read for a while - then put the book down, turned on Lucinda Williams' World Without Tears. It's quite comforting to listen to a thirty something singer sing beautifully about fucked up relationships ... allowing my twentysomething self not to feel bad how much i think about this shit. I lighted a cigarette and turned up the song Ventura - the sky was deep blue, almost black, the clouds were passing quickly, the trees were swaying, a red car drove by with two lovers inside - Haven't spoke to no one, haven't been in the mood...But I can't pretend - I wish I was somewhere else. I wanna watch the ocean bend,The edges of the sun,then I wanna get swallowed upon an ocean of love...Get a lump in my throat, and look down at my feet. Take the long way home, so I can ride around,Put Neil Young on and turn up the sound...Stand in the shower, clean this dirty mess,Give me back my power, and drown this unholyness. Lean over the toilet bowl, and throw up my confession,cleanse my soul, of this hidden obsession. - a completely white cat ran next to me, then i noticed her tail was black, quite strange, she stopped and looked at me, i stared back. I took a drag of the cigarette, and threw a white stone unto the rocks bellow. It felt amazing - to be alone, throwing stones into nothingness, being delighted everytime the stone made a sound. I was content-sad. I was thinking about a certain boy, my mother, the obstacles to come, and being here and now.