Secret Behavior

I'm not very proud of this behavior, it has continued for over a year and maybe it's time i came clean about it (and maybe even stop).
Here's a little story:
One summer ago i found myself in one of those screwed up situations with a guy friend. The kind of situation that is induced by mixing different types of alcohol together and letting someone else pay the bill the whole night.
Over the summer i found myself quietly falling for the aforementioned guy friend. I kept trying to convince myself that i was in love with the way the sun kissed my skin or the way rain drops slid down my windshield diffusing the red light. Coming home late, after having spent another painful night watching movies, i convinced myself of how wonderful it was to be in this platonic sensitive relationship with J., sex is overrated, i consoled myself.
Then came the fateful celebration night and the awkward morning. He was due to leave the city that very next day to move to a nearby state. I dropped off the mobile he left in his drunkenness on my windshield, i tried to be brave, we were still friends, right?
Two awkward phone calls followed and then total silence, no e-mail, fax, phone, letter in a bottle or explanation. And then in complete stereotypical behavior i imagined him to be dead...Obviously the reason i haven't heard from him was not because he wanted to avoid the very awkwardness that was me, but because he was badly injured with no energy to make one-goddamn-call.
This is when the secret behavior started. I googled J. (Oh google, how i love thee) I wanted to make sure no obituaries about J. were written (why didn't his parents call me?!) At first the googling would happen multiple times a week. All the expectations were channeled into the button "search." Months passed and realizing the unhealthy side of stalking someone on the internet i almost stopped.
Through the search engine i found out that he has passed his bar exam and still loved his mac, as much as ever. And then it happend, i realized that my love/anger/bitterness/sadness has ebbed with every click of the button. It was just a habit.