It's Like This Woman Has Heard Me Talk About Myself For Years

So I have this horrible problem of apologizing too much. Especially around new people or when I'm nervous. I think with people who I known for a long time it's pretty much under control. But it's my default setting - saying sorry.
It drives me nuts, I've been doing it since I was in elementary school. I've long come to the conclusion that I do it as an "excuse for my existence." I've been surely but slowly trying to control this "tick" of mine.
Along with saying "sorry," I also find it hard to say "no" to people. Most of my friends know this about me and will point out that I'm not required to do something just because they asked me to, thus letting me say no without too much consternation. I have also gotten better about saying no, mostly because I'm fed up and also I have great examples in my friends such as J. and G. who speak their minds freely and tell people what they really think. I admire this quality a whole lot - I've actually been joking about wanting to take a class where where I can learn how to tell more people "no."

Seems I'm not the only one. Psychotherapist Jo Ellen Gryzb has written a book on the subject. I don't believe in self-help books, but I might need to get this one. One of the worst adjectives someone can use to describe a person to me is "nice." That's like a synonym for "bland" or "boring" person. Often times people describe me as nice and I'm kind of sick of it. I rather not be nice. This year I'm going to work hard on trying to be the opposite of nice.

Gryzb believes the symptoms of niceness are everywhere: every time we let someone off the hook, can't say no, avoid conflict to keep the peace, feel guilty when we ask for something, and get roped into something we don't want to do. She also believes our tendency to over-apologise reveals a worrying undercurrent. "If an apology isn't genuine," she says, "psychologically you are saying you're ashamed of yourself. It's almost as if you are apologizing for your very being."

Also the whole "nice" thing doesn't jive with my point of you of the world, I think it is better when people are selfish. You are looking out for yourself and other people are looking out for themselves, it makes a world a better place because in the end your needs are met. As the Gezb says in the article, "I don't offer apologies or excuses, nor do I put someone else's needs before mine. Becoming less nice has made me a nicer person."



That's also why I blog.