It's really strange to have had a blog for several years now. I first started blogging at the urging of my sister. Little did she know that my blogging would take a political bent, 180 degrees different from hers, and at times it would prove strenuous on our relationship. One of my closest of closest friends brought me into the fold of her friends and became my blog mother as they say, thanks New Vintage. I had found a place observe my mundane thoughts, recount faulty memories, and link to cool stuff and smarter people.
It's interesting to think that I found my "writer's voice" in Scotland, something I haven't experienced so much in the States. Since then, I haven't felt that my writing has improved, mainly because I've been lazy, too passionate about the topic to write clearly, or censoring myself due to being afraid of hurting the people I love who read this blog. I think what was so freeing about blogging while I was away from the was the idea of complete independence. I like to regain that feeling but I know I will never have it as long as I'm here. Independence is important to me, but love and support prove to be a bigger concern.
It's weird that I met so many people through blogging and thanks to it have had several romantic and non-romantic relationships form and continue. So I'm grateful for it and I'm hoping to have the balance of being independent enough to write well when it really moves me and to be able to express myself in a truthful way without causing pain/discomfort to people I love.
Saying all that, I know my blogging hasn't all that great lately. In fact at times I've seen it as a chore and have posted single links, instead of really devoting myself to it. I want to say that this will change, but I honestly don't know. Lately so little has been inspiring me. The election is proving to be a downer, the economy is even worse, and my health hasn't been top notch. The health part is proving to be actually the most difficult part:
I was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma this summer (the good kind of Hodgkins), it's very curable cancer and I'm lucky I'm surrounded by very loving people who can't wait for me to get better. Even though it's very curable, it still sucks monkey balls, since I have to have at least six months of chemo. Until now I haven't really had the urge to write about it and I guess since this has been the most significant aspect of my life for the last 4 months and I have been reluctant to share the information publicly, there wasn't much to say. Seriously, life can be quite boring when all you talk about is cancer. (I want to talk about it all the time and I hate the question, "how are you?" I mostly understand that it is another way of say "hi" - but I still hate it. I now answer it truthfully - seriously I don't spare people, unless I want end the conversation quickly.)
Anyway, like so many things in life I get to blame cancer for making me write less. I have what they like to refer to as "chemo brain." When you are poisoning your body it doesn't help your brain function, I forget things more easily - like words and where I put my car keys. I'm more disoriented and less focused than ever before. It's not fun. Hence the blog title, I have a lot to say but my brain "don't work so good" as some would say.
The worst part of chemo, and what I can't get used to, is actually being sick. Feeling so fatigued that I can't think, let alone do something/say something/write something. A lot of times I'll do what seems to me a pretty mundane activity and minutes, hours, or days later I realize that was a bad idea. This is hard since all my life I have be able to push through feeling tired and crappy to achieve what I want (minus a setback or two with clinical depression from time to time). Not so with chemo, it keeps kicking your butt over and over again, until you hit your head and go "Okay, okay, I won't go on that trip I really wanted to or to CVS to get frickin Claritin." It's been hard to learn limits and accept disappointments. Ah but such is life.
I wish this post could have been funnier, cancer can be a pretty funny thing, but alas my humor brain cells have been wiped out. See blaming cancer works every time!
Some silver linings have come from this experience - I've got a new appreciation for my family, both near and far. The amount of love they have shown me has been overpowering. From my cousin in San Antonio who calls me regularly and has made me a quilt, to my aunt who has accompanied to A LOT of appointments. It's been incredible to be loved so much and to love people back.
My boyfriend is a mensch, I think I was diagnosed with this thing three months into our dating, a lot of people would bail, seeing how it's a long distance relationship, you have a gf who is calling you to tell you she feels icky every night, and lets say chemo does nothing for my complexion. Not him, he has proved to be an incredibly encouraging, entertaining, and loving person in this whole ordeal. Seriously, he has been my rock and someone I look to make this a more graceful experience.
My friends, G. who despite a life changing event and medical school listens to me whine about my little problems. J. who is also a valiant phone conversationalist, who has braved the Chinatown bus to be hang out with me and do "nothing." There are others but this post is looooooong, so I will stop here.
I might blog about this again and I might not. I have a lot to say about this experience the most important thing about it is that I remember I'm the lucky one. I've been around a lot of people who haven't been as lucky as me. I don't always feel/think that way, but essentially I still believe I'm lucky and have a lot to be grateful for.
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