Guilt of the Second Child

My mother once confessed to me that while being pregnant with me and subsequently on her way to hospital to give birth to me, she had an overwhelming sense of guilt for leaving my older sister without her and bringing me into the world. It was a recollection she recently told me and I found it curious. Like, "Come on mom! I'm like the most awesome thing, how could you feel guilt about bringing me into the world?!" (She later explained that when she finally did give birth to me the guilty feeling ebbed away.)

Turns out my mother isn't the only to experience these conflicting feelings. I first saw it talked about on an episode of Momversation (yes, I read mommy blogs...I also read wedding blogs...please don't judge, I'm girl, this is what I do. Also, I have a strange fascination with parenting, which deserves its own post) and then Dooce goes and has her second child and writes a really beautiful post about it. I delinked her during the 2008 election because I couldn't take the self-rightous b.s. but she is wonderful writer - funny and warm, so I found myself checking her site more and more. You can also tell how much she works on her website, the woman is obviously a powerhouse.

Saturday night I sat on Leta's bed with Marlo in my lap while Leta spun imaginary tales of princesses in various corners of her room. It had been raining all day, and the giant, west-facing window in her room resembled an abstract painting, a mottled palette of raindrops and setting sun. And I guess it's the hormones, the RAGING, TERRORIZING HORMONES, or maybe it's the sleeplessness, but I started bawling uncontrollably. I felt so guilty, like I had betrayed my first born by bringing someone else into our lives. Here I was forcing Leta into one of the most painful transitions of her life, and even though I knew I was being completely irrational, I just wanted to clutch her to my chest and apologize.

The whole post is touching tribute to her first born.