Fashion Critique

Just like Sarah Brown, I don't think I need a "fashion sense" to tell you look like a big colorful tent of mumu in your maxi dress.

The thing about the maxi dress is that it does not highlight the part of your body you think it does. Sure, the top part of a maxi dress looks good if you have a great rack, but the first rule of having and displaying a great rack is don’t wear a giant loose tent beneath it, because then you look pregnant. Don’t kid yourself: you’re wearing a muumuu with spaghetti straps. Basically the maxi dress highlights a delicate clavicle, which is a lovely and admirable thing to have, but there are plenty of other ways to show that off that don’t make the rest of your body look like pregnant Quasimodo. If you have a belly or legs you’d prefer to cover, I understand that, that’s fine, who doesn’t, but the maxi dress makes it look like you’re trying to hide these flaws under a giant sign that says DON’T LOOK NOTHING TO SEE HERE JUST ACRES OF FABRIC. Are you hugely pregnant at the height of summer? You poor thing. You should wear a maxi dress. Everyone else needs to find a higher hemline.

In fact, I kind of want to get the "lesbian gardening sandals" - yet still feel perfectly fine looking on your ugly hipster mess of what you pass of as clothes.