Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Sadness Without Being Sad

I've mentioned a few times on the blog that my father passed away when I was a teenager. It's something that I rarely talk about, since I find that it embarrasses people. So while I'm the type of person who is comfortable with over sharing, sex trumps death, any day of the week, as a topic people prefer to talk about. So I try not to mention it too much. Plus over sharing on this topic leads to pity looks and I don't take them so well.

Tomorrow is the eleventh anniversary of his death. Actually, he died between October 28 & 29, in the middle of the night. This year, for some reason (I have my theories), his absence has felt heavier and more real than I can remember. He was a great man, a person I wish the new members of my family had the chance to meet and love.

I've been extremely unhappy recently, but all of sudden about a two weeks ago, the sadness started to lift. For the first time, in a long time, I have felt the sadness without being sad. I don't know if that makes sense to others, but incredibly clear in my head. It has made an incredible difference - learning to acknowledge the sadness without letting it drag me down. I'm pretty sure it's life changing, in fact I know it is.

So tomorrow I'll be with people who I love, who have loved my father, and who my father loved. A little part of him will be with us, the sadness will be there but so will the joy that came from my Father's life. I'm looking forward to tomorrow, a day when talking about him is not only appropriate but is needed & expected.

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