On Self Loathing

I'm sitting at my work desk seething with anger.

We have a busybody at  my work - who fancies herself more important than others. She has mentioned  to me a few months ago about leaving my stuff out in my cubicle - citing thefts in the past. This morning, after coming back from a coffee run, I noticed my phone disappeared. I'm pretty mindless person, so my first thought was "I left it at home," then "maybe it's in a drawer." Neither of which proved to be the case. I was a little perturbed but not enough to have to be in full out freak out mode. Then, maybe fifteen minutes later, this co-worker comes in and drops off my phone. It seems she wanted to teach me a lesson about how easy it was for someone to steal it. I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say. I went and spoke to my boss - I told her I felt violated. Even my mother wouldn't do that to me, last time I checked I'm not a child and for someone to just blatantly take someone else's property - borders on criminal. Let me repeat, she took my phone out of my purse, which was on my desk, in my cubicle. What. The. Fuck?

Just now she came to apologize - it was one of those a non-apology apologies. "Just doing it for your safety. Let me know if you want keys to your desk?"  she cooed sweetly. And while I should have told her that her intentions are not the issue here, I just dumbly stared at her, nodding my head. Wanting the experience to be over as quickly as possible.

So here I am. Angry at the incident, feeling violated, but more importantly feeling angry with myself for not having the strength or the gumption to stand up for myself. I thought I was getting better at advocating for myself as I got older. Not so.